Monthly Archives: April 2012

The biggest spiders here in the woods ain’t got nothin’

The biggest creepiest spiders here in the Santa Cruz Mountains have nothing on the tiniest damn scorpions from when we lived in the outskirts of Las Vegas.  I tell you, we got one of those little bastards at least once a week. The biggest one was about the length of my thumb and it was pissed off.

The Spider That Ate Tokyo

The knucklehead exterminator dude actually said that scorpions coming inside was actually a good thing. The logic was this:

  • The bug poison is killing the cockroaches.
  • The scorpions eat the cockroaches
  • The scorpions are therefore starving and coming indoors looking for food.
See? So it’s all good.

My response: you appear to be missing the FREAKING POINT YOU DUMMY. I care less about the stupid cockroaches than the little bastards that will actually hurt me.

Then a few months later he informs us that there has been a change in management at his company and that he will be leaving. And honestly it would be in our best interest for us to keep him around because the new boss was hiring his own daughter’s boyfriend and clearly he’s going to do a rotten job, let all the bugs in, or maybe give us herpes. It was that dire.

Lucky us the economy crashed and we had to leave, so we dodged that particular bullet I guess.

But I digress and here’s a picture of a spider attacking Tokyo. Because that’s what all the new monsters do to prove that they’ve got the right stuff. Badass that he is, he’s chosen about 30 minutes before rush hour.

The Least Of These

I’ve been thinking about that.  The text in Matthew 25:31-46 includes

40 “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’

What I think is missed is that nobody asks “so, who’s that?” and Christ doesn’t try to get specific. And this is brilliant. I would say that this is a relative thing, just like “Love thy neighbor”. Who is my neighbor? Well duh, look around you.

Christ hung out with a lot of people who were utterly socially unacceptable. But not necessarily just the poor and the sick. He hung out with lawyers, tax collectors, orthodox teachers (I’d argue that was equivalent to a lawyer in that society). People of some power and influence but who were often despised. Who wanted to hang out with a Roman tax collector in occupied territory? If he was a local that kind of made him a traitor right? Would he be “the least of these” in that context? I’d say hell yes.

So “the least of these” could easily have included what we’d consider “the one percent” in recent language. Could just as easily have been the thief that stole your car last week. My point is that it is probably relative. If you are being rotten to somebody who you consider ultimately lower than you (aaaahhhh now we’re getting to it aren’t we?) then you are living poorly yourself. Any chance you are “the least” to somebody else?

I’m not laying claim to any religion here. What I am doing is saying that there are nuggets of wisdom and compassion that get lost even when repeated over and over again.

Things you never want a CPR/first aid instructor to say

I swear I am not making this up.

I attended a CPR training class recently so that I could be helpful in case the proverbial shit ever hit the proverbialer fan (hey man, this is the Bay Area, the planet’s crust gets temperamental here). I also figured that since I drive a road that many would consider “remote”,  ”complicated”, or even “sweet crap man why are you doing that?” there is a real likelihood that I’m going to encounter a wreck. So I had better be able to help out if needed right? OK.

The training went well and it was a snit-ton of information coming at us very very fast. Clearly the idea is that if things have gone bad, and really really bad, then somebody needs to know the absolute basics of Keeping That Stuff Inside You until the Good Guys show up.

One thing the instructor said reminded me of a Steve Martin routine, and I’m sure it was accidental.

In the case of an abdominal injury you must keep the wound dry. Absolutely dry. Make no question about it, dry. Keeping this dry is the difference between life and… no wait… moist, keep the injury moist. At all cost keep that injury moist!

I was paying attention. Arentcha glad?